hey. it’s ok to miss them. they were a big part of your life, and you had some good times. times when you were happy. it’s ok to miss that, to miss the good things, the fun things. knowing you deserve better doesn’t mean you’re not going to miss them. It’s ok. what’s not ok is how they treated you. remember that.
sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.
“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.
“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.
when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.
if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.
you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot.
This is the most carefully-nuanced discussion of this I think I have ever seen. Thank you for writing this.
Having your siblings turn abusive in an already abusive parental situation is genuinely heartbreaking because that was your only possible ally in that situation, and even they turned against you.
Having a sibling you try to understand and like as a kid, only for them to turn against you at every opportunity can get even worse after you grow up, because they’re likely to repeat the same dehumanization your parents do to you, but it’s different coming from a sibling. They’re supposed to have been in the same boat with you, they’re supposed to be the only person who gets that shit because they’ve lived it too. And instead, they’re talking down to you as if you’re their tool of getting whatever they want and if you dare to ask to be treated humanely, you will be suffocated with guilt tripping and reversals.
Siblings who grow up in an abusive home, even if they’re abused in completely different ways, have so much in common, and so many possibilities of bonding over it, but abusive siblings reject that. If your sibling is decent, they will look for things you had in common. You grew up in the same environment, you both know and understand what your parents are like, can predict their every move. You’ve seen each other’s abuse. You’re the only ones who can validate what happened, confirm it, set the story straight, be a witness and a confirmation of who is right or wrong. They can make the trauma less devastating by not letting you go thru it alone. They can know what happened without you saying anything because they were there, possibly they were the only person who was there, who doesn’t need telling, who has seen and felt it. That sort of thing is invaluable to a trauma survivor.
But abusive siblings pass off all of these chances to be your family member. Instead, they argue over who had it worse. Who was at fault. They try to prove themselves to be superior, to have the right to speak over you. They defend the abusive parents to you as if they haven’t seen or heard what they’re like. They demand your sympathy and compassion only to use it against you a second later. They play with your feelings and promise to be on your side only to act like they didn’t, a second later. They gaslight you without a pause. They hide and downplay their own abuse of you. They turn everyone else against you. They find your pain irrelevant or funny. They remind you how it feels to be treated like a thing.
And then, despite your desperate wish to have a family member, despite them being the only person with the capacity to understand and confirm and acknowledge what you went thru, you end up having to cut them out for the sake of your own health and sanity. Even if you still feel worried or concerned. Even if you still want to help them or save them. Even if you believe it was just the parents who made them turn out like this. You can’t allow more abuse in your life, and the steps to get there are absolutely devastating to you.
rinnetenseisdiedbadly-deactivat:
parents be like “your mental illness is so hard to deal with” my brother in christ you are the one who caused it
escapes for when you feel anxious
- exploring a flowery town with cute villagers
- drinking a milkshake in an empty diner at 3am
- real life that feels dreamlike
- cute sunflower field dates
- in love with the universe
- softest love songs
- living inside an 80s tv show
- drinking tea on a cozy raining morning
- you’re an angsty teen in a coming-of-age film
- summer road trip in the west coast
- vacation in san francisco
- living in an old French film
- stargazing and contemplating the meaning of life
- late night drives in a 90’s movie
- watching a beautiful sunset over the beach with someone you love
- feeling dazed and drifting off under dreamlike sunlight
- going to the beach in a camper van in 1960′s california
- collecting whimsical music-boxes and taking pictures of clouds in paris
- falling asleep on the moon
- city lights at midnight
- half dreaming,half awake in faded 60s sunlight
- remembering someone else’s memories like they’re your own
- being the guardian of a snowy forest who befriends wolves and takes care of baby fawns
- being in a vintage fairytale
- wandering the avenues of vintage New York City
- living in a cinematic landscape and watching over a magnificent scenery
- exploring an art museum
- eating fruit in a small italian seaside town
